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| DAM! what a month...i don't think i've had this interestin and HELLISH month in my LIFE! DAAAAAAANG...i guess it was bound to happen rah? learned a lot though...even though it gave me a headache and indigestion hahahaha i'm just playin...but its been rough i won't lie. and i don't think its goin to end in a minute. its gonna take its time but...what doesn't. i realized that anythin that i do without thought or contemplation never goes in the right direction. as nice as random things are...they go as quickly as they came. and even though things are great for a moment, they're just moments. they pass by so quickly its hard to adjust to being back to way things were. and i wish i had been a little more careful sometimes. even though my life is so uneventful, i should have been thoughtful. and i wish that i could make things happen in my life. but no matter how hard i try, my life is just out of my hands. its a bitch. yes. and i get so pissed because of it. but there's nothing i can do. and i'm forced to let go of things that i wish i could hold longer. and i'm forced to go places that i know will ware me out. but nothing is forever. good or bad. and its just a shame because when i do have something good, those are moments that seem to go away immediately. as if it never even happened. i think God likes to tease me. he likes to tap my shoulder from behind so i look behind and he's not there. its frustrating...but...at least he's there. | | |
| tell me tell me te te te te te tell me | | |
| haha some people been tellin me that i sounded REALLY pissed haha. i have to say that i was but, wasn't THAT pissed off. haha. i was frustrated i'll admit. and it wasn't even a full day since i came back from new york. so maybe i was little too quick to react. hahaha but i am sick of jersey. i am sick of pretentious people. self-righteous people got their noses pointed up way to high. ran into some people that i haven't seen a really time, like 3-4 years. some of them i was happy to see again and we said hi and what not. some just looked at me, didn't say hi and gave me a really concerned look. their eyes were just sayin "tsk tsk tsk" hahahaha. was mad obvious. i kinda got a kick out of it. but then again its just great to know that there are people out there to just judge you. EVEN IN THE WAY THEY LOOK AT YOU. i'm not some goth, i'm not emo, i'm not a thug...anyone can see that, and i'm not some holy host floating down from heaven. i'm human. and yeah blah blah blah its all cliche. and its annoying BECAUSE its a given and they acknowledge that but they don't give me a break. why is everyone always tryin to prove me wrong. i didn't try to impede with my opinion. i didn't even mention them. but it just seems like everyone is tryin to shut me down like i'm some kind of threat when really i'm not cause i don't say a dam thing. maybe this is why people think i'm emo hahahahahaha. but i think most churches are forgetting that the church is here to serve the world just as Christ served it. we're here to make people feel encouraged, not shut down. and its sad to see that even in the church. and its usually because people are just inconsiderate. they got manner issues. they don't know how to SHARE and PLAY NICE. always got to be me me me or us us us. its never "for them them them" or "for you you you" somethin crazy is goin to happen soon. i don't know what but somethin is. and its only then that people are goin to realize that the church is here to serve God AND everyone else. its not a closed community of really holy people. God forbid that...its a community for other communities. its about accepting. embracing. loving. and at the same time knowing when NOT to back down. | | |
| i dont' want to be in jersey right now...i really don't. the only thing i want to see right now as of this moment is my family and a couple of close friends thats it. no one else. i really don't. i'm sorry if i sound like an ass hole but after workin my ass off all i pretty much want to do is get to rest with my family and actually spend some time. i'm tired of all this fake boooolshit cause to tell you truth its so obvious and i don't know why people try to even make it look real when you know its just straight up bull shit. and i have to say that i feel like i'm pretty pissed off for no dam reason. what is it with church? i really don't get it. am i some kind of freak or somethin? iuno. maybe i am. it seems like everyone else seems to get how to fit in. and frankly thank GOD i'm not the same. thank GOD! seriously. if i were to be the same as everyone else at church i think i'd go jump off a bridge or somethin. i'm so sick of jersey...i don't know how people stay in here. i don't know why people get so excited about being here. i would only get excited because i get to see my fam. and a friend or two here and thats about it. i don't even know why i agreed to go to this retreat. i really don't know what i was thinking. to be honest, yeah its about God and Christ and all of that, but to tel you the truth, who knows what this retreat is for. come to think about it, i really don't know what the point of it is. i really don't see why people don't get that the only way to learn ANYTHING in life is to experiance and not just be TOLD. not just be told to praise God and WHATEVER it is they tell you that you have a choice to do. i'm just so sick of everything so sick of the attitude at churches, demeanour, outlook, point of view, opinion, and i don't even know why i CARE so much when i don't even GO to a church in new york. i don't want to face people in jersey anymore...its worse than new york which doesn't make sense. i don't know what it is but i just get this vibe that everyone is infected with somethin...like they have this cloud over their eyes and they can only see so far. as if the world ended only as far as their cars can take them. the next time i come down to jersey i'm seein NO ONE other than my family and a couple friends. NO ONE. i'm sick of it. yall can think whatever you want. but i'm finished. i'm done. maybe God wants me to go this way. maybe he's trying to teach me something. but there is NO ONE else who can tell me other wise. unless you God or ME or MY FAMILY or YU MOKSA you can't tell me ANYTHING about my life. JESUE CHRIST!!! I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO ANGRY BUT I JUST AM. AND ITS BECAUSE I'M HERE! | | |
| i realized that i was so certain about specific things in my life when i was younger. but now things aren't so certain anymore. nothing is so concrete that i can live ignorantly and not care about things in general. i worry about my future and my future family and how i can support them. i worry about the welfare of my family now and their health. i'm concerned about my ethical and moral status. things that are overlooked and seem to be so obvious and logical aren't so much anymore. i have to constantly re-evaluate these situations now but when i was younger, things were so understandable because i had the leisure to not worry so much. i feel like, of course, that i am maturing because i am getting older. and at the same time i am not so naive about certain apsects of life. i don't regret having to work when i was younger because i know a small percentage of the behaviours of people, that people have a great capability to be good or bad. that people are the key to your own inspirations and discouragements which hopefully, in the long run, will turn into aspirations for your goals. i feel like no one else feels this way and that everyone is concerned with some kind of charitable work that in turn is so selfish because they don't care about the welfare of people but actually are concerned with the happiness of their own hearts. as much as charity, not only monetary, is a morally good aspect of one's self, there is no true charity because there is some kind of self satisfaction that either someone else witnesses your charitable act or you yourself enjoys the feeling of helping another. nothing is so simple anymore to simply help someone for the pure act of helping someone. there are always sutble instances that must be taken to account in one's self and in one self evaluating one's self. subtlties cannot be ignored because, despite the fact that they are subtle, they still exist. some people must think that i am over analytical and "nit-picking" at the details, but if no one were to notice the details, there would be no beauty. God created a world that was once perfect and beautiful. but even through the fall, there is still beauty in the diversity of man kind and through the contidictions that we create and the contridictions, which are only contridictions in our eyes, which were here since the beginning of time. through tragedy and success, through life and death, through arguements and agreements and through love and hate. God did not create this world through bordem or to merely be worshiped; but to be loved, not because of lonliness, but because He is the apitamy of love. and that is what i have learned, that love is the essential part of human existance. that it cannot and should not be tainted with the self but to be nurtured through the interactions with others, Christian or not. we cannot avoid contridtions and our world is not based on a soild system of logic or of spiritual understanding. it is based on the beauty of uncertainty and that life on earth is not forever, but it is a bitter sweet existance that has already been laid out for us to live, but not to know exactly how to live it. it is not about what i want to do for God, but what you can do for society in the name of God, whatever that name maybe. i believe that it is time to think and wonder what we can do to serve society not in a selfish endevour for glory whether it be spiritural or strictly secular. but what we can do to really help those in need and those who are self sufficiant but need awareness. we are the leisure generation, but now its time to work and to work hard to understand our place in society and to just not think of romantic ideas of saving the world with sparkling eyes but to save the world and ending up with calloused hands and feet. and to prepare this world for our children. | | |
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